Juicy Couture

The designers of Juicy Couture teach Joel Stein a few things about shopping—especially when price is no object
By Joel Stein

I hate shopping. If I'm going to drive somewhere, sort through inventory and do math in my head, I'm going to get paid for it. I have no idea why so many women are into it, much as I can't figure out why they pay people to massage them and not have sex. So I got two expert shoppers, Gela Nash-Taylor and Pamela Skaist-Levy, owners of Juicy Couture, to spend a full day with me in L.A. shopping. Which was fine with me, since TIME was paying me to do it.

Gela and Pam show up at my hotel in a chauffeur-driven black Ford Excursion. They have matching Juicy sweat-suit dresses, matching Hermes handbags, matching Treo phones, nearly identical Manolo Blahnik shoes that make matching clicks as they walk, identical square engagement rings the size of Hungry Man dinners and the same Cosabella underwear, for which I have to take their word because I keep getting distracted by something else when they get in and out of the Excursion in their tiny outfits. Gela, the brunet, is completely in orange, and Pam, the blond, in white. By the end of the day, I realize, there will be a rumor floating around Los Angeles that I am a pimp.

My first stop with the Fluffians, as they called themselves, is Book Soup. Taking a reporter to a bookstore on a shopping spree seems a lot like writing Nova in your Nielsen logbook. But they insist they love to buy books, and in 20 minutes of panther-like movements around the store, they indeed spend $352.77. But the most impressive part of the shopping—more than their speed or the way they use Amazon as a verb, or that they buy two of David Sedaris' books and then one of Jonathan Ames' because I point out that "he's funny too"—is Pam's Amex signature: a single, quarter-second loop. These are professional shoppers. Not only do I have a lot to learn, but the dual Sedaris purchase makes me realize I need to write a book.

Next they take me to Fred Segal, which sells the Juicy Couture line, including its new swimwear and handbags that are specially designed for shopping, with pockets for a phone (labeled HELLO?), keys (OPEN), lipstick (JUICY KISS!!) and a wallet (SHOP!). I cannot believe it has taken until now for Mattel to consider making Gela and Pam Barbies. Read more...