Citizens of Humanity

I’m a bargain kind of girl. I like things cheap. I mean, it isn’t like I’m going to wear it past this season, most likely, so why spend my hard-earned cash on it?

If it’s a piece of trash, with thread unraveling here and there, well, at least I didn’t spend a lot of money. I live in mortal fear of spending a ton of money on something, then seeing it in the "not" column of a "hot or not" list two days later. Yes, this means Goodwill throws a party in my honor at the end of each season, but at least the credit card company doesn’t.

There is one major exception. Everyone has one — some splurge on shoes, some on bags, some on getting their hair done every 2.5 days. I’m a true Santa Cruzan; I splurge on jeans.

If I were to start a church, L. Ron Hubbard-style, I’d start the Church of Premium Denim. Expensive, but Holy Marc Jacobs! so worth it. (And you know all the celebrities would join.)

I feel for all those misguided souls who buy denim helter-skelter, looking for bargains and never venturing into the upscale jean market. This is one area where it truly is worth it — you get what you pay for. Good jeans ... well, let me tell you what truly quality jeans can do for you.

BUM: Your bum will jump off you, kiss your feet, and jump back on, because it has never looked so good. Fancy jean companies have "Pocket Research Departments," whose sole job is to figure out the exact pocket placement, dimensions, and stitching to make your bum look ... well, better than it ever could by itself.

(OK, I don’t know if they really have departments to research pockets, but they might as well.) Small pockets make your butt look bigger, farther apart pockets make it look wider, lower pockets make it look flatter.

Different stitches can draw the eye in different directions, creating radically different optical illusions. This is very important, because I have yet to meet a woman who likes her butt. And I’ve done a lot of traveling.

FABRIC: "Whaddya mean, the fabric?" you’re saying. "It’s denim, smarty jeans." Yessir, but not all denim is created equal. What chemicals and dyes are used, how it is treated, and the combination of different materials can all make an enormous difference to the way your jeans fit and feel.

Lots of jeans have Lycra or Spandex in them, so they move with you. Some is good, but too much will cause them to stretch out permanently, leading to an unflattering condition known as "saggy diaper."

Look for something around 98 percent cotton, 2 percent something else. (I like polyurethane, even though it sounds like something tires are made from.) Organic dyes, or jeans dyed using fruit enzymes instead of harsh chemicals, means a much softer jean. No stiffness, no scratchiness.

CUT: There are body parts not for public consumption, ladies. Higher-end jeans have this nifty little trick; they scoop low in front, but have a higher, crescent-shaped rise in back. This allows you to wear cute, trendy low-rise jeans (if you so desire), without becoming a crack dealer.

Designer jeans are, of course, superior in many other ways, not least in the thrill of seeing your jeans on a celebrity.

OK, OK, you say. You’ve talked me into it — expensive jeans are worth the cost. But which, of the gajillions of expensive denim lines out there, are worth my hard-earned bucks?

I’m so glad you asked.

My personal, all-time favorite line is Citizens of Humanity, available in a limited way at Macy’s in Capitola. The fit is just amazing — low without hitting me at that unflattering love-handle spot. The fabric is ultra soft, the pockets simple and cute. read more...